5 Red Flags Worth Breaking Up Over

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January 9, 2015 by Deb Lammers

We’ve all see the red flags after the breakup is over. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. Rather than wait till you you reach the point of no return, why not identify those red flags now. Here are some sure signs you should break up with your significant other, um, like yesterday.

They are pressuring you to do things you don’t want to do. This should be obvious, but if the person you are dating pushes boundaries that you’ve clearly established, then you should dump them. They are demonstrating that they don’t care about you, but only prioritize themselves. This goes for physical boundaries as well as more mundane things. For example, if you have to get up early for work and ask them to leave by 10pm, then they should be eager to back out of your driveway no later than 10. If they are still there at mid-night and you’ve given several hints that the time has come for their departure, then they clearly don’t respect your wishes. Even the small things will eventually play themselves out in bigger ways.

They complain about your church/religious activities. I’m rather passionate about serving at my church. I love it! If I’m with a guy who thinks the way I spend my free time volunteering is trivial or a waste, it’s a sure sign our relationship won’t work. They should encourage you in the things you love, not be in competition with them. If they don’t understand (or at least respect) your passion, then there will always be tension in your relationship. Either you’ll be upset because they don’t let you do the things you love, or they’ll be upset because you ARE doing the things you love.

They are never willing to pay. This one is a bit tricky to navigate. There are times when one person in a couple can simply not afford to pay their bills and also go on dates. However, if this is a prolonged situation you need to ask yourself if they are lazy, irresponsible, or in some sort of legal mess. If the answer to any of those things is yes, that’s a problem. If the answer is no, then you may need to face the fact that they aren’t that interested in you. As a general rule, people have money for the things they care about. Dating relationships are an investment that pays dividends in the future. If they aren’t convinced you have a future, they’re a whole lot less interested in losing that money. If there is never any money to spend on you, the reality is that you are not on their priority list.

They have a vision of the future and it doesn’t include your expressed dreams. I’ve dated guys who’s image of our future together involved him doing everything he’s ever dreamed about and me being his little wife (think Gaston from Beauty and the Beast). In this portrait I had no personality or voice. I was a silent character and didn’t have needs or input. This is simply not realistic. Both people have ideas about the future and if you’re dreams don’t mix well, you might want to consider going your separate ways. Relationships that work have give and take and mutual compromises that both sides feel good about. If they aren’t interested in blending the 2 visions and giving equal weight to your goals, then you will have a lopsided future. Run away!

They insist you change things that you like about yourself. I have a particularly loud laugh. I am of the opinion that pure pleasure should be expressed in hearty and boisterous ways. If I were with a guy that hated my laugh, it would crush my very soul. My laughter is a tangible expression of me. Telling me not to laugh is practically insisting I not be who I am. Maybe this isn’t the best example, but you get the idea. No one should be asked to squelch who they are so someone will like them. If a person is struggling with a sin, it’s perfectly appropriate for their significant other to encourage them to change and seek help. Otherwise, they should enjoy the things that make you who you are. If you don’t like my laugh, go find yourself a girl who giggles quietly.

Each of these red flags can be summed up as selfishness. If the person you are dating is consistently self consumed, you will eventually get in the way of their desires and they will discard you. It’s then that you’ll look back and say, “why didn’t I see the signs?” Take the time to identify the red flags now. And while you’re at it, how are you doing in these areas? Do you pressure people to do things they don’t want to do? Do you complain about how they spend their time? Are you willing to pay? Does your picture of the future include a person with their own dreams? Are you insisting that they change for you?